A Devastating Reality

My pregnancy with my son (who is now 3) was a surprise. I had morning sickness and thought I had the flu. I didn't get pain or soreness in the breasts (they are quite flat) and didn't know until about 7 weeks pregnant.

When I found out I was going to be a mother, I changed my entire lifestyle. I ate healthy and went for daily walks. I looked forward to providing the very best for my little man to include breastfeeding. My grandmother always told me, "My breasts didn't develop until I had my first kid!" So I had anticipated developing breasts and getting to keep them when my son was born.

When it came close to the expected date, I was worried because my breast had not changed. I was reassured that when the baby is born, my chance will come.

My son had lost almost a pound during his first week of life because I had produced maybe a tablespoon of milk each feeding. I had a nurse come to my house and she'd give me tips on how to encourage milk supply. I would pump and pump and pump and still barely anything. What I did produce I added to his formula. It wasn't much, but it was something.

At first, you feel inadequate. You feel like less of a woman and less of a mother. To make matters worse is that the majority of women have the wonderful ability to provide their children the best of the best. It's just not normal for women not to be able to breastfeed. And of course when you're out in public and you pull out the bottle and formula, you get those women who "know better" than you and lecture you on the importance of breast milk. These women don't know the pain and heartache I've gone through and have the right to judge me?

But here it is 3 years later. My son is happy, healthy, and incredibly intelligent. My husband and I are trying for baby number 2. I will do my best to encourage milk flow. I won't guarantee that it won't be disappointing if I cannot, but I know that I'm a good mother nonetheless.