Failed Twice...Try a Third?

by Betsy C.
(Madrid, Spain)

As a first time mother I had grand plans of a natural birth, seamless breastfeeding and a beautiful, natural experience all around. Reality? An emergency c-section after 40 hours of labor, a baby with colic who wouldn't latch, breasts that refused to produce milk, and one shattered mom. I drove an hour each way to see a lactation consultant, rented a professional grade pump, went on Fenugreek and then a prescription drug to increase my milk supply and still had a frustrated, hungry baby. I finally gave into exclusive formula after 3 months and I still have trouble forgiving myself.

Enter baby 2. I was determined to "relax" and let breastfeeding work. I spoke extensively with lactation consultants before and after birth, consulted with moms I knew who breastfed successfully, got a hospital grade pump and made a nest for the long haul. My little girl was crying again, all the time, she was starving and losing weight. I did everything I could and had to throw in the towel at 6 weeks.

Now I am pregnant for the third time. At first I said NO WAY to breastfeeding, but now my family is living in Spain (my husband was assigned here for the military) and I don't have access to a commissary (grocery store on base). I am worried about the quality of formula and starting to panic about feeding my child. I am so worried. Why can't I let go of this need to breastfeed? I hope to come to peace with my decision to formula feed from the beginning. If so, Amazon will make a monthly delivery to my house.