I so desperately wanted to breastfeed
Thank you all for your stories. I am like so many of you. My breasts never became full during pregnancy and I waited expectantly on day 3 postpartum for my milk to come in.
When Brandon lost 12% of his birth weight we started supplementing with formula on the direction of my midwife.
I tried medication, herbal medicine from a naturopath, acupuncture, pumping, hand expressing, lactation consulting, nothing helped.
My breasts hurt from massaging them during pumping and I was beyond myself when my yields were about an ounce from both breasts combined.
I was so depressed that I would sob in my car after every appointment. Sometimes I wouldn't go home because I felt like my job of feeding my son was given to anyone who could hold a bottle.
I finally stopped my hours or bf torture after 6 weeks. When B started gaining weight my husband and family would tell me that we're doing everything right.
There's just the stigma of quitting that kept me down. I so desperately wanted to breastfeed. It was my mothering goal.
My midwife told me that it was something that I had to grieve in order to get past. I still feel sick to my stomach when someone asks me how my breastfeeding is going or if I'm breastfeeding or... what's in the bottle!
Everyone needs a bit more compassion. Our bodies, minds and spirits have just gone through something so challenging that we need to give ourselves a break.
When I'm able to stare in to my son's eyes as I give him a bottle and I can see his double chin and full cheeks I know I did the best thing for both of us.