The wishing to breastfeed does not go away

by Sarah
(Baltimore)

I stumbled across this web page through a google search and wanted to leave my story in hopes that it may provide some help for another mom.

Upon my own request, I was able to naturally deliver my second daughter at 39 weeks. She weighed 7lbs 7ozs. I had breastfed my first daughter exclusively for 6 months and then on and off until she was 2.

I was excited at the thought of being able to establish this bond with my second daughter. My breast milk came in late with my first daughter (around 5-6 days after birth).

When I was in the hospital with my second daughter, my milk did not come in. Hoping it would help, I began to pump. At the suggestion of a lactaction consultant, I pumped 8-10 times a day for 20 minutes on both sides. I tried to think of relaxing things while I pumped. I still got nothing. No milk, no colostrum...nothing. I was so frustrated.

The lactation consultant suggested we begin using a haverman feeder with my second daughter. Meanwhile, she has lost weight close to 1 lb. and seemed very sleepy. Because of this development, we up the amount of formula we've been giving her. I still continue to pump and try to breastfeed, but still no milk.

I am not satisfied with the reaction from my OB so I decided to get a second opinion. I start taking Reglan and continue to pump and try to breastfeed. After 2 weeks, nothing. I am so depressed.

My OB orders bloodwork, they test my thyroid levels, cortisone levels, prolactin levels and order an MRI. All results come back normal, the prolactin levels are so low that it doesn't seem to register that I delivered a baby less than 2 months ago. By this point, I am so sad. It looks like I will not be able to have that special breastfeeding bond with my second daughter.

Meanwhile, she's had an allergic reaction to the organic formula she's been on and is starting to excrete blood in her diaper. We switch her to a hypo-allergenic formula and this extinguishes the problem. Meanwhile, I feel awful. I want to give her the best food possible, but I can't.

Will I have a special bond with my second as I did with my first? At five months later, I am still struggling with this question. I wanted to share my story with other women in hopes that it may help someone out there. My body refused to produce breast milk. I still don't know why, but it did. I am still picking up the pieces as I move forward in life. I find myself judging myself way harsher than I probably should.

The wishing to breastfeed does not go away, and I find myself jealous of new moms who can do this. I'm hoping my self worth issues and depression about this will get better in time, because I would hate to miss out on life with my second daughter.