Third times the charm right? NOT!

by Branwyn
(Union, MO)

I have always had small boobs and couldn't wait until they got bigger when I was pregnant for the first time.

I kept waiting and waiting and it never happened. Friends who were pregnant at the same time were telling me how their breasts were much bigger and sore. I had none of that.

When I was pregnant with my first baby I couldn't wait to breastfeed. I bought the expensive medela breast pump, nursing bras, nursing tops, breast pads, freezer storage bags, EVERYTHING a new mom needed to breastfeed her baby.

I was induced at 36 weeks due to high blood pressure. I started nursing him almost immediately after birth, he wasn't the best nurser but did ok with the help of the LC. Then the next day he was starting to get jaundice and the nurses urged me to give him formula... with the help of an SNS.

I was heartbroken because no baby of mine was ever going to drink formula. Little did I know. I started pumping in the hospital thinking it would be over in a few days and I'd go right to breastfeeding once my milk came in.

Once home from the hospital I kept waiting and waiting for my milk to “come in” I was waiting for the fullness and engorgement that every one talks about, thinking that I would wake up from one of my 30 minute naps with huge breasts.

After about a week I called my ob’s office and told them my milk still hadn’t come in even with nursing and pumping like a fool. He prescribed me some Reglan and it did nothing.

After about three weeks I gave up on the hope that my milk would come in. So I nursed him first then gave him a bottle at every feeding. The most I ever pumped was just shy of an ounce. I stopped breastfeeding completely when he was 5 months. I blamed my failure on the nurses forcing me to give my baby formula and or just not knowing what I was doing since it was my first baby.

So when I got pregnant with my second baby I was determined to be a successful breastfeeding mother.

I researched every breastfeeding site on the internet to be as prepared as I could be. But once again still no breast changes during pregnancy. I came across a site that explained about hypo plastic breasts and I was really shocked. I had all the characteristics. Maybe not as severe as what it described but definitely to some degree. I still didn’t believe it and was determined to have a full supply.

I read about breastea and ordered some for myself and began drinking it right after birth. It didn’t help either. After an extremely fast labor and barely making it to the hospital on time I gave birth to another healthy baby boy who I nursed immediately after delivery. He nursed like a champ and was certain this time would be different. The day before we were discharged my baby was starting to get jaundice and once again they suggested I supplement with formula...NOOOO NOT AGAIN!! I was furious. And once again I waited and waited for my milk to come in. It never did but I did have a smidgen more this time than the first.

I remember pumping just over 2 ounces and I was like whoa that is a lot! For me anyway. I just waited for every time I pumped to fill the bottles, but it never happened. So once again I nursed him first and gave him a bottle afterward. I did this for 10 months when he finally had enough of me.

When I got pregnant with my third I told myself that I would just feed him/her like I had my other 2 and it would all be fine. After all some breast milk is better than none right?

I wanted so badly to have a baby girl after 2 boys and my wish came true. I was induced at 38 weeks because of high blood pressure again and had an extremely rough labor and delivery and I didn’t even want to hold my baby girl I was so exited for.

I nursed her after about an hour even though I was so exhausted and didn’t anything to do with her. I only nursed her twice and than began to use the SNS so hopefully she wouldn’t get jaundice. Fat chance and she got it anyway. Once home I had a really rough start emotionally and I am still very depressed 3 months later.

I should be so happy to have a healthy baby but I just can’t get over not being able to exclusively breast feed her. All I do is cry every time I have to give her a bottle because my body can’t feed her like it’s supposed to. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be a mom and a woman and feed my baby? Every time I go to the water/formula/bottles I cry and think about how much formula and water I use and think about how much milk I’m not making.

I can’t use someone else's’ breast milk because I just can’t think about how some women have an overabundance and I can’t even feed 1 baby. I have extreme hatred for ALL breastfeeding moms including some of my close friends who are currently nursing their babies.

Every time I see a pregnant woman, or woman with a baby, heck even just a baby all I think about is how I bet they are breastfeeding and I get so mad. I relate everything in my life to breastfeeding and when you have a baby it’s EVERYWHERE.

I’m so tired of being emotionally drained.....I know there are women who can’t even have babies and I should be grateful for 3 beautiful ones and I am but I just can’t get over it. And now she cries when I try to feed her but I just can't stop.

If any other moms with this condition would like to talk I would LOVE to be able to connect with other moms who are struggling with themselves so maybe we can be miserable together. : (


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Dec 07, 2012
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I don't have the same condition but i do have flat/inverted nipples and i have had 3 babies and tried every time to breast feed exclusively and was never able to accomplish this.

I was and am still like you and have a huge desire to breastfeed. The few times I did have my babies latched on were magical for me. There was no better feeling.

I had low supply issues from day one with all my buns and was pumping with all of them. My supply increased with each baby but still not to the point where I could be exclusive.

I don't know if there is anything I can say that will help. My bub is now 16 months and i still have that urge to breastfeed. I'm not sure if there will be another bub on the way for us and that kinda makes me a little sad to know that I may not get the chance again.

I'm hoping that time will get me through this but I'm the same as you where when i see babies or pregnant women I get that deep feeling in my heart.

I hope you don't put too much pressure on yourself, I get told that a lot, you tried hard and gave it a go. All I look at now is I'm glad they had some breastmilk.

Dec 11, 2012
by: Branwyn

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you are also having a hard time. I always say to my husband that I cry more about the "death of my boobs" than when people pass. Breastfeeding is the way babies are suppose to eat not with crap in a can but some of have no choice unfortunately. Hopefully time will heal both of our hearts but I'm sure we will still get sad when we see other nursing moms even when we are older. Thanks again for sharing.

Dec 14, 2012
I had low supply trouble too
by: Michelle


I completely understand you wanting to be able to talk to other mums who are in the same boat. I suffered with very low milk supply too and had to use the SNS because my baby was jaundiced and losing weight.

I stopped SNS breastfeeding at 3 months because the emotional strain was too great and I felt inadequate as though I needed a prosthetic breast to feed my son.

I was determined for it to be better second time around. Like you, I have read everything and made a long birth plan and post birth plan ready for success next time. But maybe I will find myself in the same boat again.

Anyway, it took a long time to get pregnant the first time and after no success second time around, we got tests and just found out my husband has 98 - 100% abnormal sperm. So now I don't know if I will get another chance.

There is more to my breastfeeding story/pain but too long for here. I would love to speak to you more so that we can both feel not so alone. Please feel free to email me [email protected]

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