today I've made the conscious decision to stop breastfeeding
by Maria Tureaud
(Jackson, NJ, USA)
I'm done. I've been crying myself to sleep since my baby was born 6.5 weeks ago.
They told me it would take 3-4 days before the milk came in. I only ever produced fore milk. Less than 20mls a day, both breasts, 15 mins each breast every 3 hours. Not 20 mls per breast or feeding session...20 mls a day. Period.
I got production up to 55mls a day which amounts to 2 ounces. I kept telling the lactation consultants, and the pediatrician...Do you want to know what the ped said? Breast is best - you mustn't be doing something right.
My breasts didn't get bigger during pregnancy, I never became engorged, no let down...nothing. So I had to start feeding him formula and give him whatever meager amount of milk my breasts decided to cough up on that day. At his 2 week check up he was lighter than when he left the hospital, now he's thriving.
I've been pumping anyway - giving him what I can - but now I'm down to 10 mls a day.
It hurts, I'm tired, there's no result, I'm emotionally drained, and today I've made the conscious decision to stop.
My mother-in-law keeps telling me that when she had her kids she could feed a whole village with her milk, that her niece's freezer is overflowing with bags and bags and bags of milk. The guilt trip is incredible. I feel like shit.
What should be a happy time
- my son is the first pregnancy I've carried to term out of more pregnancies than I dare count - has turned into a nightmare.
I rock him and my tears just fall and I beg him to forgive me, and assure him that I love him very much and I'm so very sorry...and then he smiles his little gummy smile and I'm overcome by my own inadequacy. Each and every day I lose a little of myself.
I didn't want to formula feed. I wasn't prepared for it at all - all I had were Similac samples that I had picked up by accident from my ob/gyn and boy was I glad I had them! In my mind it wasn't an option: I couldn't afford it, baby deserves the best start in life, immunity is the best gift I could ever give...well I say enough.
The best gift I could give to this most precious, and wanted, child of my heart was life. Life that was denied my other children, and I have absolutely had it with these nasty, horrible, hypocritical, bitches that lord it over us all. We're horrible mothers??? I don't think so.
I've allowed myself to become consumed and obsessed, but now I'm ready to just love my son. My husband sees my heartbreak, but nothing he does or says can help. I'm so thankful that I found this site. To anyone reading this YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm here with you.