Failure to Breastfed - My story
I run a support group for parents who are unable to breastfeed called Bottle Babies. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bottle-Babies/120819361329359#!/, Please come and join us, share your stories and receive support. Here is mine my story:
“Hi my name is Lisa, and I am a formula feeder.”
For a long time, I felt like I should be standing up and saying those words in front of a crowd like ‘Formula Feeders Anonymous,’ a group of mothers who were ashamed of their burden on society for not providing what was ‘best’ for their children. My shame in not being able to breastfeed and feelings of being less of a mother came from many sources: From midwives, lactation consultants, posters on the wall in the birthing room, strangers on the street and the whole of society who seemed to know ‘breast is best’ and had no problems in reminding me of that every time I pulled out a bottle. But the person who made me feel like a failure and who judged me the most was none other than myself.
Don't you know "BREAST IS BEST!!!!"
From the time I was a little girl, I was told by my mother how she was 'a cow' and not only breastfed both my brother and I till we were over 12 months, but also had enough supply to contribute to the milk bank at the hospital.
When we were shopping together if she saw a sound sleeping baby in its pram, she would say "that baby must be breastfed - it is so content."
So when I feel pregnant, I imagined myself sitting in my rocking chair, breastfeeding my happy, healthy and content breastfeed baby.
After 15 hours in labor and labeled as ‘Failure to Progress’ at 9cm dilated, with baby starting to go into distress, I went under the knife and my beautiful baby boy was born at 8 am.
His daddy took him to meet the family while I was in recovery, but because of complications with the epidural, I was there for a long time and by the time I came down to the ward I was exhausted. After everyone left in the late afternoon, my new little boy and I fell soundly asleep.
It wasn't til the next morning that a midwife asked me how many feeds he had and I responded with "umm I haven't feed him????" She of cause looked a little panicked but promptly whipped out one of my boobs, grabbed the baby and put his face next to my nipple. He looked at it and went back to sleep.
Over the next day in the hospital, I was given 100 instructions on how to do it, why to do it and I had my nipples gabbed by more people then I had ever had in my life, all trying to get my little boy interested. He wasn’t. Every time they tried, he would have a few sucks, scream and fall asleep, so every couple of hours I would try putting him on for about 45 minutes until we were both exhausted, then hand expressed colostrum into a little bottle and give it to him with a syringe. Sitting in the hospital room watching all the other mothers breastfeeding while I feed my baby with a syringe made me depressed – not only had I ‘Failed to Progress’ I had also ‘Failed to Breastfeed.’
Some of the midwives were lovely, but some were frustrated with me, more then I was at myself, and one, in particular, was determined to make it work. She told me to strip him down to only his nappy and ‘helped’he stayed awake by placing a cold were wet cloth on him everytime he got a bit sleepy. But instead of attaching and sucking, this just made him scream. I felt like taking him, wrapping him up and running away but she stood over me for an hour doing this, with me crying while she exclaimed: “he has to do this, he has to eat, everyone can do this if they try hard enough.”
After that, just two days after a dramatic birth, a c-section, baby blues and baby who wasn’t eating, I asked to be discharged, and the hospital was just fine with that as they were very busy and I guess I was taking up space.
At home I went through the motions of trying to get him on for 45 minutes, followed by hand express for 45 minutes, feed with a small bottle, cry for an hour, time for another feed.
I saw lactation consultants who told me to keep trying, and we would ‘get it,’ I spoke on the phone to helplines who told me to keep trying, and we would ‘get it,’ and I spoke to doctors who told me to keep trying and we would ‘get it.’
The hand expressing lasted 1 week on my determination that one day we would ‘get it’, but with the support of my husband, who basically told me that it was unhealthy for baby and me to continue with this, I gave up on the idea that I would get him to latch on and I bought a breast pump. I expressed for the next two months, which was a little easier but still a long drawn out process. After two months my milk dried up.
In despair, I stood in the formula aisle of the supermarket and cried. I had no idea which formula to choose, I knew no one who formula fed and I couldn’t deal with the pressure from any health professionals if I was to call them and ask ‘which formula do I get him” I was much too embarrassed that I had failed at something that seemed so easy and natural for every mum I knew and that I hadn’t kept trying.
Through the tears, I read some of the information on the tins and bought the one in the gold tin, the most expensive, to help my conscience just a little.
When I got home and made up the formula, I cried again, and as I fed him... the tears kept falling.
He gulped down the lot and then slept for 5 hours. No tears from him at all and for the first time I saw content look on his face.
As the days past, I watched him get happier and more alert and even though I still grieved that he was not getting the ‘best’ I was starting to feel better too. My husband fed him a lot, and it left me free to do other things instead of spending 3 hours in a feeding process. I could brush my hair and teeth and take a shower!!!
Feeding him the formula in the privacy of our own home was fine – I only judged myself, but out in the world it seemed like everyone judged me.
When shopping, I would make up the bottle of formula around the corner before entering the mothers’ room in the hope that the other mothers’ breastfeeding their babies might think that it was expressed milk. One time in a mothers room I was sitting in a booth and a mother walked up to me and asked me to move cause she wanted to use the booth, I was only bottle feeding, and I shouldn’t even be in the mother’s room. I went home and cried and didn’t go out for two weeks.
As my fat little healthy baby grew I began to realize that maybe the formula wasn’t that bad, it was keeping him alive, he was thriving, we were both happy and healthy, and I was a good mum.
After doing a lot of research about formula and discovering how many mums have similar feeding issues, I started to feel like I wasn’t alone.
As my confidence grew, I began to see that the way I fed my baby was my business and no one else’s. When people asked me why I wasn’t breastfeeding, I told them “It wasn’t the right choice for us” I didn’t try and explain my whole story and try and excuse myself for failure...... because I didn’t feel like a failure anymore. This beautiful little boy loved me, and our bond was so close – it didn’t matter how he was fed as long as he was fed.
When I had my second baby we did everything right, and still he wouldn’t breastfeed, but this time at the hospital I had a midwife who wasn’t just fixated on making it work no matter what and we discovered that my milk ducts weren’t working as they should and the chance of me breastfeeding was slim. I still expressed for a few weeks for my new little boy, but when it was too much, I had no hesitation in putting him on formula.
Every time I sit in my rocking chair, hold him close, feeding him his bottle and watch him drift off to sleep, I think to myself how grateful I am to have such a healthy, happy and content baby.
To all those mums out there who couldn’t breastfeed – remember this – no matter how you feed your baby – breast or bottle, the only person opinion who matters is your baby, and if he or she is loved and nurtured and as long as you are doing the best you can, whatever your circumstances, then you are a perfect mother to your baby.
Felt like a total failure as a mother
I had the same problem. My first son was born three weeks early at only 5 1/2 pounds. He nursed as much and as hard as he could but was losing weight because he wasn't getting anything.
The doctors threatened to hospitalize him if he dropped below 5 pounds. When he reached about 5 lb 2 oz, we tried formula to keep him out of the hospital.
He gulped it down and started gaining weight right away, so I knew that was the solution for him. I too cried and felt like a miserable failure as a mother, because really, who can't breastfeed?
All the lactation information I could find just said to keep trying and that anyone could do it, so I felt like a total failure as a mother. Also, my breasts are large - I wear a G cup bra - and I thought surely they should be able to feed several babies, while my sister who has small breasts was able to feed her baby with no problem, but it was not to be.
My second son was full term and larger, so I determined to try harder this time, thinking maybe I just gave up too soon the first time.
We virtually stayed in the recliner with him nursing till he fell asleep in exhaustion and then waking up hungry again a few minutes later.
Again I finally gave up and went to formula. Both are now healthy young men and I know I made the right choice, as hard and crushing as it was for me. My mother told me once that one of her sisters, my aunt, had the same problem, so it is not, as rare as I had thought. It's just never something the doctors or anyone else ever tell you could happen.
I am so glad to find this site!
I had always assumed I would breastfeed exclusively. I had heard it could be difficult and that women give up too soon.
Perhaps I had judged them too harshly in my nieve past. I spent the first 12 days of my daughter's life in tears and heartbreak trying to breastfeed.
She would be on the breast for literally 8-hour stretches and come off hungry, crying, and fussy until she finally became so frustrated that she just gave up and fell asleep.
Four visits with lactation consultants and a miserable baby and heartbroken sleep deprived mommy and daddy, and we saw a breastfeeding specialist doctor. Simple problems with latching had cascaded to low milk supply and no weight gain over the first three weeks.
I sobbed for hours until I gave her the first sample of formula I had gotten from the OB visit and stuck in a cabinet, never intending to use... And my daughter drank it down and fell into the most restful, comfortable sleep I had seen her in yet.
I am still trying to breastfeed and increase my milk supply, but my misery at trying to exclusively breastfeed robbed me of the initial joy of meeting my newborn daughter.
I wish my husband and I had both been less hard on ourselves about breastfeeding.
At this point, we'll see how much breastmilk I can give my daughter. I know the benefits. But, if I can't give her a loving, happy mommy without any formula, I will supplement.
I wish there were more support online like this. I desperately want to exclusively breastfeed. As a first-time mom searching the internet for answers at 3 am, all I had found was judgment and shame.
I support you sisters, breastfeeding, pumping, or formula fed. Feed those babies!!!